I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
