I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
