I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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