Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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