it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
