Already got asked if we're dating
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
