Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
