If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
