im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
