Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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