She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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