Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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