Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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