Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
false alarm. still invincible.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
