so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
