I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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