At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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