Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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