Your dad touched me again.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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