Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize