Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
