Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize