My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
