Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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