you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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