but the lizard people decide everything anyway
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
