ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
