You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
