Just fell off a train. Bad.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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