Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
