Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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