just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
