Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We left the knife in your bed.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
