my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
