The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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