then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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