I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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