I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
