I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize