My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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