My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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