i need an iv and a liver transplant
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
you had me at cake vodka
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
