someone get that fucking seahorse.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
