I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
you had me at cake vodka
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
