You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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