dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
