you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i love accidental penises.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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