well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
