I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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