The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't deserve a penis
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
