So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
