Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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