I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
