I cannot find my penis.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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