Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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