and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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