Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
