You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
