she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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