thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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