We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
