anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
